I hate how self-defeating and insecure I am sometimes. (Don't tell Goose I said that, I'm breaking a "house" rule against saying we "hate" things.)
People remark about how confident I am and say they wish they had my confidence. I don't really get it. I'm not trying to be cocky, I am not trying to project confidence, but I apparently do. But I think they're misreading my signals. Confidence comes off as "I don't give a fuck what people think, I know I am good at something and I feel good about myself." Yeah, I might give a "I don't give a fuck" vibe off, but it's not because I'm confident I'm good at something. No, I'm confident there's nothing anyone can say or do that could possibly be worse than the things that were said or done to me growing up.
Here's the thing - we're powerless against the past. Until my time machine is finally up and running, there's absolutely nothing we can do to change our pasts without being dishonest to ourselves. However, I know that I own my present and future. That's something I have control over. And everything is temporary. It's all beautifully fleeting. That boss that makes you nuts and puts you down? There's nothing special about him or her. They're just a person, and probably an unhappy one at that. And it's just a job. There are more where it came from. You don't *have* to stay there.
I don't know that any of this makes any sense. I guess I am just feeling kind of down today. I don't want people to think I'm an asshole because I feel secure about myself. Then again, there's no way I am going to hide who I am - I'm thirty three fucking years old and I spent way too much of my life constrained by my fear of what people thought of me. I can't get that time back but I can choose how I life *this* time, now. And I choose to be me. And you know what, most days I really like being me, even the ones like today where I doubt myself. If other people could come to the realization that who they are is a lot better than who they pretend to be, I bet the world would be a much better place for it.
